my life according to me

So what was supposed to be a day off from work to deal with my ailing refrigerator turned out to be a lesson in the true meaning of love.  After I sent off my end of month output reports to work, I sat down to share my thoughts on Google+ on the weather and how I wanted someone to snuggle with.  But one thing after the other kept interrupting that till at last, when I was almost ready to post, the computer simply refused to post.  My computer froze up.  Every time I would manage to fix it, it would freeze again at the 11th posting hour. 

It dawned on me that perhaps that post was not meant to be shared.  Perhaps “The Unexplainable” had struck again.  For me, The Unexplainable simply refers to those incidents that occur in your life that defy logic but make sense when measured outside the boundaries and trappings of the physical world.  It’s funny, because just this week, I had a conversation about this very subject with the man I call My Heart.  Honestly, the whole thing is bizarre, ironic and most definitely a part of The Unexplainable as what happened today sort of relates back to him.  It has truly been a case of Divine Connect-the-Dots at play in my life, yet again.  But, I did ask God to allow me to witness Him in my life.  Seems like He is making good on that….

Anyway….  Today, a friend of mine stopped by to assess the situation with my fridge and provide an estimate.  As is typical in life, one thing led to another and before I knew it, we were deeply engrossed in conversation.  He relayed to me his Love Story and though different, there were some things that were an echo of the things I, myself, had experienced.  I don’t want to tell a story that is not mine to tell so I won’t share what he told me.  But in talking to him, I had an epiphany of sorts.

Human love is flawed and often starts out selfishly.  In fact, oftentimes, we have NO idea what real love is much less how to truly practice loving someone.  But I kind of “knew” that before.  I guess what really hit me is how real love can grow out of selfish beginnings.  I have never really told this story before…leastwise, not in this manner.  But I feel compelled to tell it now. 

I still remember the first time we met.  I couldn’t tell you the date.  But it was in summer 2010.  June I believe.  And I remember meeting him.  I can’t say that about many people at all.

When I first met My Heart, he wasn’t mine to have.  I had been at my best friend’s house, in “home clothes” when she got an invite to come to a pool party that had gone late.  I really didn’t want to go.  The more she got ready, the less I wanted to go.  She was so beautiful.  And the more she got ready, the prettier she looked and the frumpier I felt.  Furthermore, it was a pool party and I didn’t have a swim suit.  I was dreading it more and more by the minute and found every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t go.  But she begged me saying she wanted to go but wouldn’t have the courage to show up on her own.  That was my undoing.  So, I took my frumpy self to her car and off we went.

I still  remember that night like it just happened. I never will forget my first impression of him.  It wasn’t how handsome or hot or sexy he was.  And believe me, he was all of those things.  When my friend and I walked into the yard, he walked up to both of us and greeted us.  Simple.  Yes, I know.  But he greeted me in a way that felt like he had known me all his life.  And it was so warm and real….  Right away I thought to myself, wow - he’s really nice.  I had no feelings or impressions of him beyond that.  The rest of the night was nothing special.  I got to chill on my own outside the pool while everyone else drank, laughed, had fun in the pool.  Well, that is everyone besides the guy that was hitting on me… *yay me*  In time, we left and my friend was happy so I was sort of glad that I went.

As far as I was knew, that would have been the only time I would see him.  But it wasn’t.  It wasn’t too long after the Frumpy Accompanies Flawless to Pool Party incident that a similar situation occurred.  Once again, I had gone over to my friend’s house for a girl’s night in when she got a call from My Heart.  He wanted her to come over to watch a movie.  And again, she didn’t feel confident to go alone so she wanted me to go.  Again, I resisted.  Aside from feeling frumpy, who wants to be a third wheel amidst budding love?!?  But, again she begged and again I crumbled. 

Once at his place, I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible…sitting far away, speaking in low tones.  But this time, there was an awareness of him.  I knew everything he did even without looking.  It felt the same was happening with him.

It was not something I expected.  But the connection was there. 

I feel it was Destiny that brought us together however unlikely it might seem. 

Despite feeling a connection, I kept my distance.  This was the man my friend was crushing on.  And didn’t he like her too?  I battled myself internally.  I felt like a horrible person and an even worse friend. 

In the end, things didn’t go far with them and the connection he and I had seemed to grow stronger.  The more I got to know him, the more I genuinely liked him.  I had been at a point in my life where I wondered if people were right to accuse me of being too picky.  But having met him, I laughed to myself in glee.  All the things that I had hoped for and searched for in a man, that people told me I was silly to think existed beyond an ideal… they had all materialized before my eyes in the form of HIM.  He was handsome and I was physically attracted to him.  He was someone who I felt I could introduce proudly to my family.  He was smart.  He was sweet.  He went to church.  He was affectionate.  Oh so loving.  Huge heart.  Loved the water.  Worked with his hands.  Educated….  We had similar values.  I felt more myself with him than I had ever felt before!

The more time passed, the more I liked him till, without my knowledge, I had “fallen for him”.  And it felt like he felt the same for me! Incredible.  How often does THAT actually happen?  It had never really happened to me!  That’s for sure.  And yet, apparently it was.  I felt like I could do anything!

But, my happy little world was not to last.  It started with a picture of him and “her” and progressed to my friend telling me that his mom had told her he had a girlfriend… but how could I trust that?  After all, this was the same friend that I had met him through.  Surely she was upset and her upset was speaking here.  Then came the out-of-character disappearances.  Where, we used to talk every day, now a week would go by without real conversation.  And that wasn’t the end all.

So, I decided to ask him how he felt about me.  He told me, the more he spent time with me the more he liked me and saw me as someone he could be with but that he wasn’t ready to commit.  I was hurt, disappointed.  But I figured, I didn’t need to know anything beyond that.  I kept my distance for awhile and tried to bounce back.  But I couldn’t stay away.  It wasn’t a week before I realized it didn’t matter whether he was ready to commit or not.  I was already committed in my heart and I would wait.  There really was no one else that I wanted to be with.  Outside of liking him, I genuinely loved spending time with him and talking with him.

And so, things went well for a few weeks before disaster struck.  I stumbled on pictures of him and “her”.  They weren’t raunchy.  But they belied an intimacy that doesn’t exist between two people who are just friends.  I felt hot and cold all at once. 

After a brief confrontation, I cut off contact for almost two months.  But I felt dead inside.  So I initiated contact.  And despite the pain, for the first time in just under two months, I felt like I could breathe again.  I started eating again.

Since then, my life has been a series of ups and downs, mostly downs.  I couldn’t understand how something that had seemed so right, so perfect, so fitting, so….ordained, could turn into something so painful and unrecognizable.  I couldn’t fathom how I could have gotten it so wrong.  I still remember bawling till  I threw up when I first found the pictures.  I cried for days.  And the pain I felt only grew when a friend told me that I couldn’t love for both people.  That I couldn’t create a relationship for another if they weren’t invested in it.  In that moment, it felt like the remnants of the organ I called my heart shriveled up and turned cold.  I can’t explain it.  I know it sounds melodramatic.  But, it’s true.

Anyway, in the year that followed, I found what had been pure and true being tainted by my fears, a new sense of inadequacy as well as distrust and pain.  Whatever love I may or may not have felt was being killed in the negative emotions swirling around me.  As a result, 2011 turned out to be a very turbulent year in all aspects of life for me.  Disillusionment over “love lost” bled into other areas of my life.

For awhile, I wanted nothing to do with My Heart.  From the beginnings that we had, the connection that we had, I couldn’t imagine that we could have gotten to a point where he wouldn’t have been present at my birthday celebrations.  Or that I wouldn’t be giving him a present for Christmas (or as I would have been more likely to give - the presentsssss)….  Celebrations that were otherwise pleasant were overshadowed with a feeling of loss, misery and sadness. 

I have this thing….this rule that I try to live by.  I have always felt that no matter how bad things get between two people, there are always three instances where your differences should be put aside: birthdays, Christmas and in times of crises/need.  And so, when Christmas rolled around, I found myself battling with whether it was appropriate and whether I should wish him a Merry Christmas or not.  I wanted to.  But then I didn’t want to.  I felt, if anyone should be going out of their way to build a bridge, it should be him. 

In the end, I was the one to reach out and wish him a Merry Christmas.  In doing so, I felt some of that pain I have been feeling fall away.  Memories of the fun and good times we had started to come back to me.  I found myself smiling.  It still saddens me that we didn’t work out.  And there are still days that I catch myself shedding a tear or two.  But, I feel that I am finally learning (and I want to stress LEARNING) how to really love.  I realize that I would still do anything to make him happy, including walking away.  And I am learning sometimes, loving is about giving something up as much as it is giving. 

Mercy triumphs over Justice because of Love. 

So perhaps The Unexplainable will communicate this to My Heart somehow….but for what may the first time, I am truly learning how to love you.  And love you I do.

I have never really been one to attach any special meaning to New Year’s Day. It was just another day in a different year. For some, a day to make resolutions that MAY be kept; for some, a day to party; for some, it’s all about family…. For me, it was nothing to ever write home about. And I still probably won’t…. But this time round, I am thankful for the New Year and everything that it represents: Hope. A chance to start over. A chance to change the direction of my life. Granted, these are opportunities we are afforded each and every day. And granted, the tides of change started long before 2012. Nonetheless, January 1, 2012 was a profound milestone because I had survived 2011.

2011 was the year from hell. I had my heart broken…more than once…and with it, it felt like everything else fell apart. To be honest, everything DID fall apart. I fell apart. But, I made it through and hopefully it has toughened my character, softened my heart and made me a more aware and conscientious human with an even greater capacity to love. I am determined to be like Job, praising God and remaining faithful through the challenges and obstacles of life. I am determined not just to survive, but to thrive. I am determined to love.

So, I have big plans for 2012. This year is about me falling in love with me all over again and taking back control of my life, my destiny. But I know that I am not the only one who has big plans for me. I know God has even bigger things in store for me and I hope to truly witness God at work in my life. Praise God for the difficult times. Praise God for His mercy and His blessings. Praise God for LIFE.

Happy New Year to you all…